If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
