Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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