hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
