i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
