My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
