I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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