1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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