good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
