Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
