Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
