There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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