Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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