My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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