I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
