Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
