This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
