My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
