I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
