remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
