you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
