Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
