this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dicks are not precious.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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