You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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