The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize
