SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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