he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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