If that was your dad, he is hot
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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