yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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