that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize