u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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