I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
