I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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