im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
