my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
