I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
