Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
