I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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