My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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