Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
