A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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