it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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