do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
