He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize