Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
