the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
tell me about the fingering
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