I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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