Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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