Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
