On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
