Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
