my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
