She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
